Resignation

~noun
1. the act of resigning; relinquishment of responsibility
2. a formal statement, document, etc. stating that one gives up an office or position
3. endurance; an accepting, unresisting attitude, state, etc.; submission; acquiescence
4. forbearance, restraint, self-control, tolerance

I kept a lonely sadness again just a few days ago, but denied its desire to stay more than a night or two. It was the second visit in as many weeks, after many long months of peace. The first visitor was petulant at first, self-pitying, and then an old dead grief surfaced. It wanted comfort and found it. The second visitor was more vicious, or perhaps simply more honest. It wants to change me, but what if I can't change? I removed myself from its presence, but the scent lingered. Are these messengers or refugees?

And just this evening an old familiar concept which for weeks has been persistently tickling the fringes of my ego (whose very own independent nervous system is firmly, undeniably housed in my solar plexus) eased itself into my mood with a sickening familiar jolt. I awaken groggily, unwillingly, to grasp at the meanings. Old Familiar is clothed in a strangely simple and practical new word this time, a word possessed of frightening inherent contradictions along with the comfortably reassuring coherence.

Perhaps the more rebellious, defiant, selfish parts of my arrogant psyche had chased it there with all of their bright and hopeful raucous energy and drunkenness on the essence of my emotions, but they couldn't hold the line because the definitions of "resignation" and the conditions which bring it inexorably into view inevitably succeed rebellion and defiance from within or without, via evolution or revolution.

It is the endless cycle. It is a continuous termination of action. It is both enduring and giving up. It is patience and acceptance of powerlessness; it is determination and and self-control that goes on and on, forever and ever, amen.

It is reliance on the power of the inevitable.

It first came to me thru the I Ching. Perhaps that's why it's back. Ch'ien, The Creative ~ The movement of heaven is full of power / Thus the superior man makes himself strong and untiring. K'un, The Receptive ~ Furthering thru the perseverance of a mare... / quiet perseverance brings good fortune. / The earth's condition is receptive devotion. Thus the superior man who has breadth of character / Carries the outer world.

Its Greek home might be "makrothumia," requiring "tapeinophrosune" to hold it together, a humble sort of emotional calm, an enduring admission of utter powerlessness and acquiescence to a power far greater than anything human could ever accomplish. And that power, after all, is joyful truth.

But "resignation," in its practical modern way is far simpler than these ancient concepts.

And after all my murmuring, I'm thankful for the return of the old familiar joyful melancholy. I have ever lost what was dearest to my heart. I don't want to let go, to give up, to resign my selfish desires, but I must, in order to complete the cycle, to endure. Because there is hope.

I choose hope.

Thy will be done.