Inspire(ation)

–verb (used with object)
1. to fill with an animating, quickening, or exalting influence.
2. to produce or arouse (a feeling, thought, etc.).
3. to fill or affect with a specified feeling, thought, etc.
4. to influence or impel: Competition inspired her to greater efforts.
5. to animate, as an influence, feeling, thought, or the like, does.
6. to communicate or suggest by a divine or supernatural influence.
7. to guide or control by divine influence.
8. to prompt or instigate (utterances, acts, etc.) by influence, without avowal of responsibility.
9. to give rise to, bring about, cause, etc.
10. to take (air, gases, etc.) into the lungs in breathing; inhale.
11. Archaic .
a.to infuse (breath, life, etc.) by breathing (usually fol. by into ).
b. to breathe into or upon.

I need to study. It’s so hard to make myself get the notebook out and do the work when there’s so much waiting to be read. But I know that I can’t NOT do this, I’ve been trying not to do this for years now, and there’s no escape.

I was stuck in an in-between: I know way too much to be a subservient administrative cog or to be content stifled by ignorance around me; but I don’t know enough to be truly competent (or confident) doing anything else. Unlike most of my classmates, I don’t want this MBA to make more money. As far as money, I just want to make enough to live comfortably, perhaps contribute to raising a family someday, and take care of myself in my old age if I make it that long. What I REALLY want is to “make the world a better place” but I don’t know what the hell that means yet. I just know that I wasn’t in a position to do it without a firm grasp of really nerdy business concepts, some solid credentials from a strong, well-known school, and a wide network of future contacts for when I eventually do figure it out.

I need a new “list.” I’ve been just taking life as it came for 2 years now, and accomplished everything on the limited but complicated “list” I made once I paid all of my debt: get a new job doing something in education (done); completely change my environment and daily rhythms to be more healthful and mindful (done); listen to the new rhythms to figure out what to do about grad school (done); get into grad school (done). Now I just have to remain employed (ideally while doing a good job changing an institution which changes lives), learn enough to actually carry with me past grad school, and figure out what the hell is after grad school. Completely unexpectedly, and certainly because of these changes, I also met someone amazing who is already helping me to do just that.

The best part about being with someone who truly challenges me is the feeling of being stretched. It’s wonderful in the same way a good morning stretch after physically working hard the previous day is wonderful and invigorating. It’s extraordinary how being with this person – really being WITH him in physical, mental, and emotional ways, for extended periods of time – raises my awareness that my own experiences can never possibly be enough to span the distance, spiritually. I know that I must let go of everything – trust – and be truly humble in seeking to understand. But no matter how much I let go, the tether stretches, I’m still connected to my experiences, and inevitably I’m pulled back into their confinement. But I’m stretched!

On the other hand, I’ve been stretched way too much on the professional side of things. I’m all saggy. It’s exciting and beginning to be inspiring to have leaders who seem to “get it,” but I’ve been acting like a one-woman bungee cord at work for too long now. My elasticity is shot. I’m praying that my kinetic energy will be restored, somehow. But perhaps that’s how it will be for a while. Maybe I just need to adjust to a new, unfamiliar source of energy. Inspiration? So far, it feels great.