Volition

- noun
1. The act of willing, choosing, or resolving; exercise of willing.
2. A choice or decision made by the will.
3. The power of willing; will.

The easiest and also the most difficult way to use our volition is to submit, to have faith.

I've been alone for so long. Even when I wasn't alone, I was lonely. Maybe because I had to learn to submit my lonely volition to His Will before I could be secure enough to really be with someone else -- so that He could show me who I really am supposed to be according to His plan, so that I could love that someone else for who they are and what they are becoming without shaping myself to their reality because I don't have enough reality of my own. To keep me from being pulled off-balance by their gravity.

I guess it worked, because I'm physically alone again for the first weekend in months, the start of more than 3 weeks without relationship-y things to look forward to, but I'm not lonely at all; instead, I feel thoughtful, positive energy. I always said that I preferred being alone to being with people, and I was telling the truth: even my best friends would make me feel achy with loneliness after a while. I'd have to get away from them in order to recharge. But when I was alone I'd inevitably start to think about the loneliness and wonder about it.

Today, this alone-time feels good, or maybe even so much better than it used to, because I'm not bored and I'm so happy with where my life seems to be going. Although I'm not really sure where that is, so maybe there's another reason why I'm happy.

On Friday I read thru an old journal which spans the progress from a very desolate time in my life thru the first year or so of my new job. I do this from time to time, because my journals are like maps which, if I re-read them, will keep me from going in endless circles (the definition of insanity?). This journal documents my first genuine, willing-to-listen questions about God's plan for my life. Ok, God, I'm apparently doing a shitty job at this being-a-happy-independent-successful-person thing, just like you tried to tell me, so help me out a little. Since I really meant it and I was willing to listen even if I didn't like the answers, there it was.

Just keep asking questions and follow Me.

It worked. It's so easy, but it was so hard. It's pretty easy to fall off the path, but now that I know where the path is, it's much easier to find. But I still can't explain it to anyone else, and its hard to watch them struggle. That bothers me on some levels, but on others I'm comforted because I know that my happiness, or at least stability under pressure, proves that it's possible to be this way to others who haven't figured that out yet. I am being used by using myself for God's plan.

It's also frustrating to see the guide to the path/plan that I understand twisted by so much distortion of doctrine, and to know that others potentially view my faith and happiness thru distorted lenses which abound within mainstream religion. I don't want to be perceived as naive, judgmental, lascivious, etc, but I guess that's what Christ went thru. Today I'm comforted because I know that each of us takes our own journey and must learn our own truths. Perhaps that was a source of the loneliness, before? I was afraid to walk my own path, but today I rest in faith? I learn to keep letting go.

Time is a test. Moment by moment, can you keep the balance, as the speed and difficulty increase?

I just remembered the conversation which sparked what became the last four months of not-alone-ness was about human free will, predestination, and the nature of God's plan at the brunch table in February. Doug lent me Boethus' Consolation of Philosophy. And so it went, and so it goes. Conversations, rambles, shared experiences, endless distances.

We choose our path. We choose to stay on it, we choose to step off. And when we choose the path that is already chosen for us by Truth and Love, and when we are willing to choose to let go to stay with that path, we come to realize the greatest comfort of all: we are not alone.