Polarity

- noun 1. physics. a. the property or characteristic that produces unequal physical effects at different points in a body or system. b. the positive or negative state in which a body reacts to a magnetic, electric, or other field.

2. the presence or manifestation of two opposite or contrasting principles or tendencies.

3. Liguistics a. (of words, phrases, or sentences) positive or negative character. b. polar opposition.

As I was running I thought about the contrast between my last two posts. Inspiration followed by lack of inspiration? Am I just being moody and fickle? But no, I decided, I am progressing along a course of thought and experience. I suppose a more accurate title for the last post might be causality, but I'll leave it as it is because "because" worked best, at that moment.

Causality doesn't work for this post, either, because the strongest force in a totally new area of my life is polarity: the polarity of this relationship I'm in, the one that stretches and challenges me. Last Friday we had a conversation, not the first or the last, which touched on theology. I felt misunderstood and, more importantly, incapable of expressing my thoughts, which happens frequently with this guy, but for some reason doesn't completely infuriate me but instead makes me let go and listen more. Lately he's doing a great job reining in an attitude of condescension which has been known to shut me down, and trying to listen more to my feeble attempts to critically think about completely new, raw material.

So as I got home from a sweaty run tonight and re-read my last post, as I txted back and forth with him, I suddenly read my words thru what I imagine his perspective might be. And I laughed, because it is so easy to misinterpret what I mean by finding "God's plan" and "bible study" and "spiritual growth." Because those concepts are so completely personal and subjective, but they're so very mine that I can't conjure up any other words to convey my meaning to myself. I can't even describe them here because they are the sum of a book's worth of experiences.

That is the nature of and the reason for my why?: it is all of the questions that create the conditions for the answers to appear to me. I've never really had to communicate them to another person in this way, so it's been like writing with my left hand at times.

My why? isn't broken. It's been exhausted by the polarity, which has been slowly making it stronger.

More to come.